Monday, May 16, 2011

I guess I should just tell you all what's going on

Even more changes have happened in the month or so that I haven't updated at all.

Mom got an offer on her house, so we were preparing to move to Arkansas by this Friday. So, I've been packing up a ton of my stuff and transporting it to Mom's house so she can pack it up with her stuff and take it to Arkansas, so I can just pack up my car with a few belongings and drive there in July when my lease is up. The offer was never signed though, so we're back to square one and we probably aren't going anywhere any time soon.

The prospect of moving sent my emotions hurling in a lot of different directions, which basically just made me feel like a hormonal teenager who can't handle the smallest of situations. So it is probably best that I didn't decide to update my blog with entries like "OH GOD MY LIFE IS GOING NOWHERE I WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THE THOUGHT OF MOVING AWAY AND LEAVING ALL THE PEOPLE I LOVE EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OF MY FRIENDS IN SO LONG BECAUSE THEY OBVIOUSLY HATE ME AHHHHHH"

In all seriousness, I've had a lot of conflicting emotions the past month and a half, and I don't really know how to handle all of it. I felt excited about the thought of leaving GA, because I have wanted to get out of here since High School, but I have a lot of friends here, and the thought of leaving also breaks my heart. I know, there is Facebook and blogs and countless ways of keeping in touch, but I never realized how comforting it is to know that most of my friends are within a 50 mile radius. But then sometimes I just feel like leaving without saying goodbye to some of my friends because they haven't bothered to keep in touch with me anyway. I find myself questioning whether certain people are really worth my time anymore, and the more I think about them or see them on social networking sites, the angrier I get. In fact, for the past two weeks, I've pretty much been a big ball of negativity concerning a lot of people. And THEN, I start feeling self-conscious again, and how I shouldn't be angry at people for not wanting to hang out with me, because I'm just not always pleasant to be around, and I'm certainly not pleasing to look upon. And then I just get more reclusive and depressed, and then I start hating everyone even more, and it's just a very nasty cycle. These are dark times, and I'm just not sure how to deal anymore.

To top all of that off, I've been having a lot of health issues. My cycle is irregular, to say the least (as in, it doesn't really know when to stop. Been going on for a while now), and now I've developed a UTI, which hurts like hell. I don't have health insurance anymore, so I made an appointment a month and a half ago at the Health Department, and the earliest available appointment was May 20th, so I still haven't gotten any of this sorted out. I'm going to go stake out at a different clinic tomorrow to see if I can get any help from there.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I just have a lot of feelings

Work Stuff:
I did not get the awesome job I talked about in my previous blog because the transfer decided to take the job. However, I feel like we left on good terms, and I will definitely look out for another opening at that company.

I've been working on freelance article stuff online in order to pick up some extra money, and my first article went through with minimal difficulty. I was asked by an editor to make a few changes, but after that it went through and I got my first payment on Friday. It was small, as it was only for one article, but if I can get the hang of this and keep writing, I think I'll come up with a nice extra chunk of change. My second article didn't go so well, one of the editors has asked me to do a complete rewrite as well as reading the guidelines for the site. I've read the guidelines, but I must have missed some important points. I was slightly upset the first night I got the notes, but I realize these things are not meant to slight me in any way. They have an image to uphold and I'm sure they get hundreds of submissions every day, so they are just trying to do their job and I shouldn't make it out like I'm horrible at what I'm trying to do just because I have to re-write something, which is my go-to feeling in situations like this. The feeling was fleeting, however, and I'm glad for that. I think I've learned not to take things personally when it comes to writing, because there is always room for improvement.

My part-time job has given me more hours each week, which is wonderful. If I've calculated it correctly, I will be able to pay all of my bills for the month and have a little extra money for food and gas from that job alone, which means any money I get from writing can go into savings or something a ticket to leakycon, for example. *squeee*

Personal Stuff:
As is hinted above, I've been struggling financially since I graduated in December. I haven't been able to find a full-time "big girl" job, and thus far the money I got from my part-time job didn't cover my monthly expenses. I've been slowly taking money from savings in order to pay for everything, and using very little money to pay for gas and food. My mom is worried about me eating so little, so she basically throws food at me to take back to my apartment, and my bestie/roomie has helped out a lot. I was a bit emarrassed about that, but grateful all the same. I mean, if you can't let your best friend help you out, who can you let help you out, you know?

Money issues aside, I've been going through a lot of changes. I spend a lot of time in my room on my computer, which I also did when I was in college, but I would get out of the house at least once day, if only to go to class. My social life was a lot better than it is now, for a few different reasons. The most important and obvious reason is that I have little to no money to spend on gas, or to spend at any "hang out" place like coffee shops or diners. The second, is that I think I've come a bit more reclusive. At first I got a bit annoyed when people didn't bother to return my texts or FB messages, or if I "wasted" a day doing absolutely nothing in my room. I felt like the most productive way to spend my time was to see as many of my friends as possible since I was now free from school and only worked on the weekends. The problem is, that most of my friends aren't free from school, and the only free time they have is when I work. I gradually got used to spending my days in my room, and found ways to feel productive without people around. I started cleaning my room, which hasn't been done thoroughly in quite a while. I haven't continued the effort, but I left off at a point that is easy to pick back up. While I clean I catch up on shows that I need to watch (yes, that is something I find productive, but not SO productive that I can't just watch them without doing something else). I made a large amount of lists (listography/quirkoholic) of goals and little things I want to start doing, and the more I incorporate those things into my daily routine, the more positive I feel about the way I'm spending my days, even if they are spent not speaking to anyone face-to-face. I'm spending more and more time at my mom's house because it is close to work and I can easily pick up shifts. All of my laptops are dead, and I can't exactly transport my desktop to and from my apartment regularly, so I usually spend my time reading and sleeping at odd intervals and spending time with mom while she tries to de-stress about work. Recently I've even started to craft again. I bedezzled a notebook to put files in, and I doctored a t-shirt so the neckline fits and looks nicer. It is oddly freeing, and my mom says I'm "healing" from being on such a tight schedule at school. She says she did the same thing when she was able to, and she misses being able to read whenever she likes and not having to worry about other people.

I think she's right. I think I could deal with having this kind of schedule. As long as I get some articles done and keep those extra shifts, I don't think I'll have to worry as much about money, and maybe I could afford to go out more, though I'm not sure how I would react to large amounts of people anymore. These days I prefer the company of one or two close friends, simply enjoying one another's company with no real agenda. No doubt I will become restless again at some point and want to travel and visit a gazillion people and places, because it is my nature to become restless with a certain routine for an extended amount of time, but for now I think I'll enjoy being a hermit as long as the feeling lasts.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Interviews and being lost

I had a job interview today.

I've been debating whether or not to blog about this, because I've become exponentially superstitious over the years (maybe just a littlestitious) and am somewhat convinced that if I talk about things or become too excited about them they will not happen. BUT...I feel like talking about it.

I always get a bit nervous for interviews because I want to show that I am excited about the position as well as seeming professional, and I feel like this nervous-ness shows through sometimes and becomes my downfall. However, this was by far the most unique interview I have ever had. It was less like an interview and more like I was just talking to some really cool people about a job that they genuinely like. It was so laid back, possibly because they were really busy trying to catch up on stuff while we were having the interview, and we just had a genuine conversation about what I would be doing and what they deal with every day. They were so down to earth and real about the position, saying stuff like they all come from different backgrounds and they could easily be in a different field of work with possibly better pay, but they stick around because they like the job. One of the interviewers also told me that they may have someone transferring in, and if that were the case the job would be given to them. You would think something like that would piss me off a little bit, but I was honestly impressed that she was so honest about it. A lot of potential-employers wouldn't have said something like that, but I'm glad she did because it shows a kind of honesty that I like in people. I talked freely about the job that I have now and what kind of stuff I do there, which is something that often happens in interviews, but I felt much more comfortable talking about it this time because it wasn't so formal. I didn't feel like I was being quizzed and I didn't feel like I was somehow failing at impressing them like I normally do. Long story short, I think I would really like it there.

After the interview I called my mom and my boss to discuss things and let them know what was going on ect. before trying to leave. Something you should know about me, I get really nervous about directions to places I've never been. I'd only been to this place a few times a really long time ago, so I left early in order to get there on time, and it went rather smoothly. My phone comes with a google maps app, so it gave me the quickest route from my apartment. Now, what I should have done when leaving was just follow the route I came to get back home. However, when I reversed the directions, it had a different route back. I figured since I had the directions in front of me, I would just try it. This is the LAST time I do that, because I ended up in a creepy side of town I've never been.

I somehow missed a turn that was immediately after another turn because the road wasn't marked. When trying to find my way back, I still couldn't find the road and I'm halfway convinced that it wasn't actually there, because I turned onto a road that SHOULD have been the road I was looking for, and it took me somewhere completely different. I kept looking down at my phone in horror as the tiny blue dot that represented me floated further and further away from where I was supposed to be. I tried to find my way back again and ended up on yet another road that I had never seen before. Finally my phone started giving me directions to try to get me back on track, and gave me another road that didn't exist in that location, as there was a metal building where the road should have been. After pulling over about six times in equally creepy areas with people staring at me like I shouldn't be there, I finally stopped following the directions it gave me and looked at the map in order to figure out where I was. I eventually found myself downtown around familiar landmarks after 20 minutes of wasted gas and a sore throat from screaming at invisible roads.

Good times.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The obligatory "AHHHH WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE" post

People talk about career changes and what-not, but I never really expected the change from student to non-student to be so abrupt and difficult. I mean, one day you're a student and the next you aren't. People try to tell you that college doesn't prepare you for the real world, and you try to listen to them, but it doesn't really sink in until it's happening to you.

I walked away with a degree in English Communications (though my diploma just says "English," because my former university is a prat and doesn't want to distinguish between English Lit and English Communications, despite the VAST DIFFERENCES between the two tracks). A lot of people will try to say that my degree is basically useless unless I want to be a teacher. I disagree. About three years ago when I was still an undecided major, my adviser told me that most places of employment don't care what your degree is in, just that you have a degree. He told me to choose something I enjoy doing and go from there. I think that was amazing advice, and I really did enjoy getting my degree while I was in school. The problem is, having a BA in English is incredibly broad, and could qualify me for many different types of jobs, I just don't know what I want to do anymore. I feel like specialized degrees may be easier to transition into getting a job, simply because you know what kind of job you can get with that degree, and presumably, that is what you want to do since you got that degree.

I used to think I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I have re-evaluated everything about 10 times in the past 3 months. Truth be told, the only thing I ever wanted to do was entertain in some form or fashion. When I think back to what I wanted to be when I was younger, I wanted to be a singer or an actress. When I was in high school I maintained the dream that I would eventually learn how to play a bass guitar and start a band. Then I wanted to be a VJ on FUSE. Then I wanted to work behind the scenes in theater productions. When I was in college I decided I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write for movies and TV shows. Then I wanted to write short stories and novels. Then I wanted to blog for a living. Then I wanted to become Youtube famous. For a short time I wanted to join the peace corps while blogging and documenting everything with pictures and video. Then I considered writing plays. Then I went back to wanting to write for TV shows. Then I decided I would become a production assistant at a TV show in order to work my way up to editing footage and writing and possibly directing. NOW, I am just so overwhelmed and confused that I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to somehow do everything I just mentioned. Sure, I'll be busy, but I am bound to entertain someone by doing one or more things above.

The main problem with all of this is, the entertainment business is not an easy one to get into, even for background work. It involves confidence and some kind of knowledge of what you want. As stated above, I have no idea what I want. I am also terrible at selling myself. I'm terrible at selling most things, to be honest, but I won't get into that now. There's also this thought in my head that all of that is just a dream. Plenty of people dream about being famous or well-known in the entertainment business, but it seldom happens for them. But it's all I've ever known, and why shouldn't it happen for me? I'm struggling between being a realist and a dreamer about the situation.

Things would be much simpler if I were not so complex. I'm not saying that to seem DEEP AND INTELLECTUAL, I'm just saying...people are freaking complicated and cannot be summed up in just a few definitions.

I don't know where this post is going anymore. I could probably keep going off on tangents and make this post even longer, but I think you've had enough for one night.

Because I need more things to keep up with on the internet

So here I am...creating a new blog.

Why would I do that when I've already created other blogs, you ask?

I will tell you, dear reader.

I currently started writing in my livejournal again, but that is full of private information I'd rather not share with a ton of people. I haven't used my Xanga in years, and I'm not even sure I know what my password is. I have a Tumblr that I update extensively, but I mostly use it for reblogging pictures I find entertaining or alluring. All that being said, I think I need a proper blog. A blog that can be somewhat professional and public for anyone who wants to find out information about me. I don't want to sound pretentious when I say this (I realize that is difficult to achieve through text, as text can't really have a tone), but I've recently realized that more people pay attention to what I do on the internet than I originally thought. My Facebook is now pretty private, but I am involved in a lot of social media sites that continue to expose my content to more and more people. I'm also exploring different ways to earn money online and "get my name out there," so to speak.

Basically, I'm going to use this to interact with people who want to interact with me for whatever reason. I'm also planning to use this blog to document my big-ish life adventures when EVER they may happen, as nothing very big-ish or interesting has happened of late. Just a lot of internal conflictions about what to do with my life.