Monday, May 16, 2011

I guess I should just tell you all what's going on

Even more changes have happened in the month or so that I haven't updated at all.

Mom got an offer on her house, so we were preparing to move to Arkansas by this Friday. So, I've been packing up a ton of my stuff and transporting it to Mom's house so she can pack it up with her stuff and take it to Arkansas, so I can just pack up my car with a few belongings and drive there in July when my lease is up. The offer was never signed though, so we're back to square one and we probably aren't going anywhere any time soon.

The prospect of moving sent my emotions hurling in a lot of different directions, which basically just made me feel like a hormonal teenager who can't handle the smallest of situations. So it is probably best that I didn't decide to update my blog with entries like "OH GOD MY LIFE IS GOING NOWHERE I WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THE THOUGHT OF MOVING AWAY AND LEAVING ALL THE PEOPLE I LOVE EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OF MY FRIENDS IN SO LONG BECAUSE THEY OBVIOUSLY HATE ME AHHHHHH"

In all seriousness, I've had a lot of conflicting emotions the past month and a half, and I don't really know how to handle all of it. I felt excited about the thought of leaving GA, because I have wanted to get out of here since High School, but I have a lot of friends here, and the thought of leaving also breaks my heart. I know, there is Facebook and blogs and countless ways of keeping in touch, but I never realized how comforting it is to know that most of my friends are within a 50 mile radius. But then sometimes I just feel like leaving without saying goodbye to some of my friends because they haven't bothered to keep in touch with me anyway. I find myself questioning whether certain people are really worth my time anymore, and the more I think about them or see them on social networking sites, the angrier I get. In fact, for the past two weeks, I've pretty much been a big ball of negativity concerning a lot of people. And THEN, I start feeling self-conscious again, and how I shouldn't be angry at people for not wanting to hang out with me, because I'm just not always pleasant to be around, and I'm certainly not pleasing to look upon. And then I just get more reclusive and depressed, and then I start hating everyone even more, and it's just a very nasty cycle. These are dark times, and I'm just not sure how to deal anymore.

To top all of that off, I've been having a lot of health issues. My cycle is irregular, to say the least (as in, it doesn't really know when to stop. Been going on for a while now), and now I've developed a UTI, which hurts like hell. I don't have health insurance anymore, so I made an appointment a month and a half ago at the Health Department, and the earliest available appointment was May 20th, so I still haven't gotten any of this sorted out. I'm going to go stake out at a different clinic tomorrow to see if I can get any help from there.