Ok fam, I just need to vent a little.
So I have depression. I’ve been very open about that. It’s always been somewhat manageable, until the end of last year and this year. Basically since Ginny died, I just haven’t been able to cope with life as well as I used to. Even with River, it’s just hard. I get upset over nothing, and I just have an overwhelming sense of dread about everything and it feels like it will never get any better. I’ve tried to distract myself by plunging into stories and games and TV, and it worked for a while, but that just isn’t fixing the issue, it’s avoiding it.
So I went to my doctor for a 6 month check up, and I’d gotten a little off track, to say the least. I’m still trying to eat mostly well, but I haven’t been able to get myself to go outside and walk at all, and then I just go on small junk food spirals and feel awful afterwards. Turns out when you start eating healthy and then eat bad again, the changes in your body are drastically noticeable. So I was like, “yeah, I know, I’m incredibly depressed.” I was already on Welbutrin, so she decided to introduce lamictal as a mood stabilizer.
The first few days I felt better, but that may have been a placebo effect, because the drugs hadn’t really had time to make a difference at that point. A few weeks later I had what I can only assume was a panic attack while I was driving. I felt incredibly alone and sad, so I thought about calling up one of my friends and asking them to come over, and the more I thought about what I would say to them when they came over, like explaining how bad I have felt for so long, the worse I felt and I ended up spiraling out of control (not literally, my driving was fine, I was just crying a lot and couldn’t stop). It only got really panicky when I got home and curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor until River started chewing on my hair and I snapped out of it.
I messaged my doctor about it, and she asked if she could refer me to a therapist, and I said that was fine, but I wanted to talk to a woman. I know it seems sexist, and it might well be, but I prefer all of my doctors to be women because I just feel more comfortable with them. The one male doctor I have I don’t really like, but I was referred to him by my doctor, and I like his female nurse practitioners, which are the main people I deal with at his office. I went back and forth with the referral specialist trying to find a female therapist covered under my insurance, and I got the impression she didn’t even look at my insurance and it was just me trying to find names, and my healthcare website didn’t seem to have any updated information for my area. So she said she’d refer me to a place that she knew took my insurance, and that was the end of it. I figured they would call me to set up an appointment, but I never got a call from anyone. That was about 2 weeks ago.
I messaged my doctor again because I need a refill, and also mentioned that I hadn’t heard from a therapist. One of the nurses wrote me back saying I had an appointment with a male therapist at 11am in a Thursday. And I just got incredibly pissed about it for several reasons:
1.) The idea that someone would just make an appointment for me without talking to me about it first is infuriating. My health provider is a PPO, not a HMO. In layman’s terms, I can see whatever the hell doctor I want, but if it’s in their preferred network it will be cheaper for me. In an HMO situation, my primary doctor sends me to whatever specialist they pick and I have to go. I have no choice of doctors. So the fact that they are just doing things for me when that’s not how my coverage is set up is annoying.
2.) I made it very clear to everyone I spoke with that I wanted to see a female therapist. I didn’t think this was an outrageous request, but it doesn’t seem to be that important to them. It makes me feel like they are of the opinion that I should just get over whatever issues I have and talk to the therapist they give me. But therapy doesn’t work like that; if I don’t feel comfortable talking to them, they won’t be able to help me. I know enough about myself to know that this won’t work and tried to fix that problem before it even came up, and they completely ignored it.
So I sent them a slightly heated response telling them that the time wouldn’t work for me and I had requested to talk to a woman and since I was the one who ultimately had to pay for it, I should have a say in who I see and when. They haven’t responded back, but I’ve already started looking for other options that I know would work better for me. And turns out if you search for “counseling” instead of “therapist,” mug more options pop up.
So I’m completely prepared to take this into my own hands, I was just trying to see if they recommended someone who would work for me, but it’s just gotten ridiculous.
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